Here you will find a selection of the funniest Flight Attendant jokes, quotes and puns ever, as well as funny airplane, airline and airport jokes. And of course, not to forget those funny Pilot jokes and hilarious Flight Attendant Passenger Announcements we’ve all heard!
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DIRTY FLIGHT ATTENDANT JOKES, PUNS & MEMES
- The Flight Attendant was doing the safety announcement: ‘In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees”. A voice at the back of the plane shouted out “If I could do that I wouldn’t be flying to Thailand!”
- The Flight Attendant asks the passenger ‘Would you like some headphones?’. To which the passenger replied ‘Yeah sure. By the way, how did you know my name was Phones?’.
- The flight was in cruise when it hit some heavy turbulence. The captain comes on the PA system to give the announcement for passengers to fasten their seatbelts and refrain from using the restrooms at this time. The Captain however doesn’t realise his push-to-talk button is stuck and he is still transmitting to the cabin as he tells his Co-Pilot: “Wow, after that I could really use a coffee and a blow job!”. The Flight Attendant at the back of the plane rushes down the aisle to tell the Pilot of his error he is still speaking on the PA. Just as she nears the Flight Deck door a passenger grabs her arm and says: “Don’t forget the coffee!”
- A passenger says to the Flight Attendant “Hey, want to join the Mile-High Club?”. The Flight Attendant responds “No thanks. I don’t give a flying f**k.”
- The Flight Attendant gives the passenger the lunch menu. The passenger looks at the menu briefly and then looks the Flight Attendant up and down before giving her a wink. He leans over and says “Well, I sure could have a quickie right now.” The Attendant is flattered but confused as the passenger’s wife is next to him. She lifts her head up from reading her own menu, and immediately realises what’s happened. She glances at her husband, then leans over to the Flight Attendant and says “I’m sorry, English isn’t my husband’s first language. I believe he would like to order a *quiche*”.
- The passenger asked the Flight Attendant if he could join the mile high club. She replied back, ” Sir, we don’t offer that service, we are Virgin Airlines”.
- During the flight, the Captain grabs the microphone and announces: ” Ladies and Gentleman, this is your Captain. The weather ahead is good, so we should have an uneventful flight. So, sit back, relax, and… OH… MY GOD!” Silence followed. A few moments later the Captain makes another announcement: “Ladies and Gentleman, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking, one of your lovely Flight Attendants accidentally spilled coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants!” From the cabin, an Irish passenger yells “For the luvva Jaysus, you should see the back of mine!”
- An inquisitive young boy on a flight turned to his mother and asked, ‘If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes???? The mother couldn’t think of an answer, so told him to ask the Flight Attendant. The Flight Attendant, hearing the previous conversation replied ‘There are no baby planes because our planes always pull out on time. Now ask your mother to explain that to you!’
- Tom and Harry are a gay couple flying on an airplane. Tom turns to Harry, “you know what would be wild? We should have sex on the plane, right here in our seats”. Harry replies to him “whoa, there are people everywhere. They would watch, it’d be weird”. Tom replies “Nobody pays attention on a plane”. With that he gets up and says out loud down the cabin ” Hey can I borrow a pencil, anyone?” Nobody even looks up or pays the slightest bit of attention. Tom turns back to Harry and says “See? Nothing”. “Well, I guess you’re right.” Replies Harry. So they go ahead and have sex right there in their seats. At the end of the flight, one of the Flight Attendants walks down the aisle and finds an old man with vomit all down his shirt. “Sir, if you felt ill you should have called me – I would have brought you a vomit bag or something”. To which the old man replied “I wouldn’t dare! A guy up there asked for a pencil, and he got f**ked in the @ss!”
- A lawyer boarded an airplane in New York with a box of frozen crabs and told the Flight Attendant to take put them in the fridge for him. He told her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, and mentioned in a very rude manner that he was a lawyer. He proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behaviour and shortly before landing, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New York, please raise your hand?” Not one hand went up … so she took them home and ate them.
- A Baptist Preacher sits next to a middle-aged man on a flight. After the plane takes off, the man asks for a whiskey and soda, which the Flight Attendant promptly brings. The Flight Attendant then asks the Preacher if he would like a drink. Appalled, the Preacher replies, “I would rather be tied up and taken advantage of by women of ill-repute, than let liquor touch my lips.” The middle-aged man then hands his drink back to the Flight Attendant and says, “Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice.”
- I sleep better naked. Why can’t this Flight Attendant understand that?
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FUNNY FLIGHT ATTENDANT JOKES & PUNS
(Please note some of these Flight Attendant jokes are for over 18’s only!).
- What’s the difference between a plane engine and a Flight Attendant? The engine stops whining after take-off.
- The best part about being a Flight Attendant has to be walking down the aisle saying ‘trash’ to everyone’s face.
- Shortly after take-off on a flight from Dublin to New York, the Flight Attendant nervously made the following announcement: “Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m very sorry but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. We have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this and anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat, will receive free unlimited drinks for the duration of our 10 hour flight.” Her next announcement came about 2 hours later: “If anyone is hungry, we still have 40 dinners available.”
- The Flight Attendant asks the passenger if he would like a beverage. ‘Coke please’ he replies. She asks him if he would like it in the can. He replies ‘no, here is fine’.
- It was mealtime on an airplane and the Flight Attendant asked a passenger if he would like some dinner. “What are my choices?” the passenger asked. “Yes or no,” she replied.
- I asked the Flight Attendant to switch my seats as I was next to a screaming baby…. apparently you are not allowed to do that if the baby is yours.
- I asked the Flight Attendant what was in the spaghetti sauce. She said don’t worry it’s plane pasta.
- A blind Pilot and blind co-Pilot both walk onto the plane waiving their walking sticks. The passengers all look at each other concerned and in disbelief. The Flight Attendant announces over the PA “Ladies and Gentlemen as you can see the Captain and co-Pilot are legally blind, but I assure you they are two of the best pilots with over 5,000 successful flights together.” The plane begins to take off from the runway and as it gains speed the passengers grow tenser. The plane accelerates faster, approaching the end of the runway and still has not taken off. It’s almost at the end of the runway and the passengers look on until eventually they scream “WE ARE GOING TO DIE!!” Then suddenly the plane lifts off the tarmac and begins its ascent. At this point the Pilot turns to the Co-Pilot and says, “The day these passengers stop screaming we’re f**ked!!!”
- The plane made a difficult landing due to the wind. The Flight Attendant said over the intercom ‘sorry for the bumpy landing – it wasn’t the Captain’s fault, it wasn’t the Airlines’s fault, it wasn’t the Flight Attendant’s fault… it was the asphalt!’.
- The Flight Attendant kept making jokes….. but none of them seem to have landed.
- I asked my Flight Attendant friend if she would be able to come to my wedding… she told me her availability is up in the air.
- A passenger hands their boarding pass to the Flight Attendant and asks ‘window or aisle?’, to which the Flight Attendant replied ‘window or you’ll what?’.
- The movie I was watching was so bad that I had to walk out. Unfortunately, the Flight Attendant told me that she can’t open the doors mid-flight.
- The Flight Attendant told some jokes that just weren’t funny and nobody laughed… I don’t think his stand up career is ever going to take off.
- A young blonde woman gets on a flight from LA to New York and has an economy seat but goes and sits in First Class. The First Class Flight Attendant walks up to her and asks “ma’am may I see your First Class ticket please?” The woman refuses to show her ticket and continues sitting in First Class, refusing to go to Economy. After a couple minutes of not being able to make the woman move to her assigned seat the Flight Attendant goes to the Cockpit to inform the Captain of the situation. The Captain takes a quick look through First Class and says… “Is that her? The blonde woman?” The Flight Attendant looks over and says “Yes it is”. The Captain says “Hold on, I’ll be back in a second.” He walks up to the woman and starts talking to her. They exchange a couple of laughs and then all of a sudden the woman has a look of terror on her face. She grabs her hand luggage and runs to the back of the plane to sit in her assigned seat. The Captain comes back to the cockpit and everyone in the cockpit is amazed. The Flight Attendant asks “That’s amazing! How did you get her to move so quickly?”. The Captain says “Oh, I just told her that everyone in First Class was going to Chicago.”
- A falcon tried to board the plane carrying two dead raccoons. The Flight Attendant stopped him and said ‘sorry, we only allow one carrion’.
- My friend got a job as a Flight Attendant… she’s really moving up in the world.
- After the plane lands, a passenger asks the Flight Attendant. “Is it chilly outside?” “No sir” replies the Flight Attendant “I’m afraid we are in Buenos Aires.”
- A new Flight Attendant on her first layover rings down to the reception in the hotel crying: “I can’t get out of the room! There are only three doors in here. One is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
- A plane is full of a group of avid Reddit users, and suddenly a man starts having a heart attack. One of the Flight Attendants notices and quickly shouts: “We’re having an emergency! Is anyone on this plane a doctor?”. Immediately, five people stand up and all say, “I’m not a doctor, but…”
- A plane emergency lands in the water but none of the passengers are willing to go on the life boat. The Flight Attendant asks the Captain what to do. The Captain replied: ‘Tell the Americans that it is an “adventure”. Tell the English that it is a “honour”. Tell the French that it is “romantic”. Tell the German that it is “law”. Tell the Japanese that it is an “order”. I am certain that they will all comply.’ The Flight Attendant then asks what shall he tell the Indians. The Captain responded “Tell them its FREE”.
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AIRPORT, AIRPLANE & AIRLINE FUNNY JOKES
- What is it called when you are sick of being in the airport? Terminal illness
- After the airline lost my luggage I decided to sue them. Unfortunately I didn’t win, I lost the case.
- Why did the librarian get kicked off the plane? Because it was overbooked.
- John Lennon Airport was forced to cancel all the flights in and out. Imagine all the people.
- The plane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers but only 3 parachutes. The first passenger said, ‘I’m the best NBA basketball player. My team and my millions of fans need me.’ So the first passenger took the first pack and got off the plane. The second passenger, Donald Trump, said, ‘I am the US President and I am the smartest President in American history, so my people don’t want me to die.’ He took the 2nd pack and jumped out of the plane. The 3rd passenger, the Pope, said to the 4th passenger, a 10-year-old schoolboy, ‘Son, I am old and don’t have many years left, you have more years ahead so I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.’ The little boy said, ‘That’s okay Your Holiness, there’s a parachute left for you. America ‘s smartest President took my schoolbag.’
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FUNNY AIRLINE PILOT JOKES & PUNS
- Airline Pilot to passengers: “Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that we’re lost. The good news is that we are making good progress.”
- My friend has a Pilot’s license but he only flies private planes. He placed advertisements all over the plane. Now he flies commercial.
- In his welcome Passenger Announcement the Pilot says: “Our airline is pleased to announce we have some of the best flight attendants in the business. Unfortunately, none of them are working on this flight.”
- A pilot is flying a plane across Australia. He crashes in the Outback and is knocked unconscious. When he comes to, he’s in a hospital with a nurse standing over him. Still groggy and pretty much out of it, he asks, “Have you brought me to this place to die?”. The nurse responds, “Nah, ya got here yesta die.”
- ‘Why did you decide to become a pilot?’ Pilot: ‘To overcome my greatest fear.’ Interviewer: ‘Heights?’ Pilot: ‘Dying Alone’.
- A Pilot will never be homeless. He will always look for a place to crash.
- Have you heard about the Pilot who flew over a rainbow in his Pilot’s license examination? He passed with flying colours.
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FUNNY & HILARIOUS FLIGHT ATTENDANT ANNOUNCEMENTS
The mandatory Safety Announcement and Safety Demo that Flight Attendants must do before take-off can sometimes get very monotonous and tedious, which can cause passengers to tune out and stop listening. To keep the attention of the passengers, some smart Cabin Crew have come up with hilarious, sarcastic and often quite blunt remarks and jokes in their pre-flight Flight Attendant announcements, as well as the other in-flight announcements they are required to do. Let’s look at some of the funniest Flight Attendant announcements:
- ‘As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the Flight Attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.’
- ‘There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane.’
- ‘In the even of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it ver your face. If you have a small child travelling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are travelling with more than one small child, pick your favourite’.
- ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, we have reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your safety, and to enhance the appearance of your Flight Attendants’.
- ‘Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our compliments.’
- ‘In the event that this flight becomes a cruise, all of you lucky people get your own itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka-dot bikinis beneath your seat – minus the itsy bitsy teeny weeny, and you get no polka-dots.’
- ‘There is no smoking in the cabin on this flight. There is also no smoking in the lavatories. If we see smoke coming from the lavatories, we will assume you are on fire and put you out. This is a free service we provide.’
- ‘Please be careful when opening the overhead bins because, you know, shift happens.’
- If you need an additional reading light, just push the button above your head with the lightbulb on it. That’ll turn the light on. However, if you push the button above your head with the Flight Attendant on it, it does not turn us on.’
- ‘This is the Captain speaking. We are currently cruising at an altitude of 35,000 feet above the Atlantic Ocean. If you look out of the windows you will see the engines have fallen off. If you look down towards the ocean you will see a yellow life raft with three people on it waving at you. That’s me – your Captain, the co-pilot and your Flight Attendant. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!’
- ‘Weather at our designation is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we’ll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thankyou and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines’.
The Flight Attendants at Southwest Airlines are known as being some of the funniest Flight Attendants ever and saying some really funny jokes. If you ever fly on this airline, chances are you will come across a hilarious Flight Attendant! Many passengers say the funniest Flight Attendant they ever met was on this airline – you can watch many passenger videos of the funniest Flight Attendants on Youtube.
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